whatmeanstheworldtoyou

Ok, so I’m having a baby annnnnnnnnny day now… My boyfriend says, “The neighbor is selling pit-bulls, they are so adorable you have to see them!” My first reaction was “OH HECK NO, A PIT-BULL!, NO!” So he persuades me to at least go over there and look at them. We get to the neighbors and OMG! I instantly fell in loveeeee!! The lady had 8 puppies, 7 weeks old. They were all pushing each other out of the way trying to eat out of the same dish… and then there was one on the other side of the room hiding under a table. My boyfriend picks up one and was like “I want this one, hes sooo cute” and I said “NO! I want HIM over there hiding!” He was so irresistibly cute…. we took him home! He was very scared when we first brought him in the house, he hid under our kitchen table and wouldn’t come out. So we decided to name him Shy. He is the sweetest lil thing ever! He has warmed up to us already and he lovvvvesss to snuggle and he lovvvveees to give kisses! I know I’m going to have my hands full with this new puppy and the baby here but I’m sure I can handle it. I feel like my family will be complete with him here! And my 6year old girl thinks so too!

another oldie but thoughts are appreciated!

My heart is aching. My mind irritated. Where can I reveal my unexpressed.. I need release. I read and read and read alot tonight, different stories, poetry, facts of evolution lol just to find some inspiration to feel better about myself. To the people who havent known me very long I come accross very misinterpreted. To the people I have, they’ve lost connection with me.. a distant person I am known… but the reasons they believe probably couldnt compare to the truth. I can say I am how I act, I am how I am to be… just naturally. I continuely blamed my persona on the experiences of life up to age 23. I never had a perfect family or even just one person I could fully trust. I pretty much felt like an abandonedment with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I moved so much and lost touch with so many people, trusting only myself was the only visible option.  I gave in to a few relationships scavenging for love only ending with scars.  Now if you were blood related to me, Im most postive a reaction would be I had it all, spoiled and loved like no other..  how could I go wrong? ‘How could i go wrong’ being the question unresolved.. where did I? What triggered these bottled up emotions I have of feeling inadequate and abandoned? Im not sure all the exact reasons but I know I haven’t been on the right track to resolution. Nothing I’ve went through could be the worst struggle.. Everyone has a story to tell.. and to dwell for the outcome of failure? Rediculous! Inexcusable! BULLSHIT! I’m fed up with feeling sorry for myself and I’m tired of feeding myself excuses I know are for no good. Its all a useless timeline preventing me from moving on and stuck looking back. I really can’t handle my lack of direction any more.. Its eating away of all thats good in me. Im no longer the sweet confindent inspiring soul Ive always thought to be, Ive darkened myself with disgust and hope… What is hope if hope is all hopes made of. Doesnt make sence right? So.. all in all from wasting time Ive only dug myself deeper.. deeper into dissappointment with myself. I ultimately dislike the point Im at in my life, feeling wayyy under accomplished and incompetent. My lack of direction has surfaced with lack of motivation and at this exact time I can say I know where I want to be, but still questioning if I can get there on my own…. a personal pushing assistant would be key.

To know I have it all in front of me, I have success in the making.. I have blessings to count and the most important, a child who looks up to me… My life is making me literally sick to my stomach. I don’t want the world, just to be sufficient and happy. —Always ending with questions— Why isn’t it so easy as it could seem?

I wrote this one night after a LOT of alcohol! lol Hence the title??

…In the moment… in the moments.. realizEm.. catches hold. Not knowing what to think about people.. actions.. thoughts one is thinking. or feeling. Not knowing what to feel……. when you’re feeling what, what are you feeling? None of it could ever make sense. Im done searching for answers.. been done.. but these moments implant. progress. and grow. And without dying nothing could make … …. nothing which is something couldnt come to an end? No. I feel awesome to be ‘blessed’ with the personality of laughter. ENjoyment through the dullest of dull. One breath in line for the next. Inhale Exhale. Love It. LIve It. TOke.

or be TOken? “lol”